I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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