So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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