dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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