You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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