Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
