Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
