so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
