it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
