Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
