Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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