she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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