saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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