and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
