I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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