i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
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Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
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i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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