I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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