I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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