I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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