I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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