Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
