thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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