next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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