Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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