just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
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