Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
