Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
