whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
