We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
