Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
