Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
