and next time when you feel me up, do it right
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
