dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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