I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
