what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
