my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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