I just pynch a tree in the face
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
