I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize