I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
