Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
