Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
