I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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