Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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