Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
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She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
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Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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