A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize