I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
