News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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