You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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