Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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