i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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