Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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