someone threw a dead crab at me
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
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