I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
