Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
