So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
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I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
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Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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