i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
