I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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