the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
