I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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