I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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