Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
