New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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