Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Randomize
