quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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